We all fell in love at some point. We felt this uncontrollable urge to move towards another person. To please the beloved. To give as much as we can and to keep them for ourselves. To get closer to the beloved. To see, touch, smell, and hear the beloved.
But as time went we saw that nothing has changed. We are not reciprocated in our giving. We saw the coldness in the eyes of the beloved. We saw that our wishes didn’t come true. And that we were in illusion the whole time. So we diverted our attention to something or someone else. Maybe we even tried to punish the other person because they kept us in illusion instead of telling the truth. That they never desired us. They just liked the attention.
So what is actually this force that moves us to madness?
What is Eros?
Plato in his work Phaedrus mentions, through the voice of Socrates, that love, in this sense eros, is a form of desire. This desire is directed toward the desire for bodies, but that is just the surface. But if we look at it deep enough this desire moves us actually towards beauty.
It is important to explain that beauty, in this sense, does not mean physical beauty. The beauty that Plato speaks about is something that makes us feel awe and reverence when we see it. It brings a personal transformation. And it brings meaning.
This beauty we can reach alongside the beloved. Therefore eros is a kind of love that wants to bring us closer to the beloved. It is the love that wants to be in one with something or someone.
Form of the soul
Plato explains that the psyche can be divided into two parts. The part for the desire and the part designated for judgment. He continues to describe the process of falling in love and how these parts interact through an analogy.
The human soul consists of a charioteer and two horses. One horse is wild and ugly (desire) and the other is noble, honorable, and tamed (judgment). When a person sees the loved one the soul is filled with warmth and while the tamed horse is obedient, the wild one starts to leap in order to get closer to the loved one.
At first, the charioteer and the tamed horse resist. But when they see there is no danger they let go of the wild horse. When they get closer to the beloved, they see the light flashing from the beloved face. Scared, the charioteer pulls the horses and falls on his back. When they distance themselves from their beloved and have recovered from the fall, the wild horse again wants to jump onto the beloved, but after pulling and restraining the wild horse a few times he becomes calmer and the charioteer can move closer to the beloved without problems. After a while, the lover sees the beloved in all his beauty and nearly dies of fright. The consequence is that the lover follows the beloved in reverence and awe.
That way our soul can fly higher and meet again with the gods after it leaves our bodies.
The Madness of Eros
It is said that falling in love is some kind of madness. A craziness that moves the body uncontrollably towards the beloved.
We want to possess the beloved. To be near the person all the time. We idolize the beloved and give them all that we can. We give all our agency to the beloved.
We see the beloved just as a tool to create certain feelings of pleasure. We see the beloved as a tool that we dismiss every time it starts to get boring.
Plato states that this type of situation happens when we let the wild horse run amok.
In this situation, the lover is bullshiting themselves (Meaning they want to persuade the person without caring for the truth).
Hence, when we are ruled by desire we stop the growth of both us and the beloved.
Remember that stupid message you sent. Yes, you just let go of the wild horse.
Self-Transcendence of Eros
But there is another type of madness. When both horses and charioteer are aligned then this madness brings about a transformation of both the lover and beloved. When followed by the divine this madness can bring the greater good.
What this means, is that our natural inclination is to follow the divine nature (light) that we see in the beloved. And as we start to follow and do these godly patterns, we bring the beloved into our world, transforming him at the same time. As we are projecting the godlike qualities onto the beloved, and the beloved ones start to develop. They start to become a better version of themselves.
Therefore eros is an act of mutual transformation.
From a philosophical perspective, it is a transformation towards getting wiser. To become more rational and to see more into reality.
From a psychology perspective, Carl Jung comes to mind. Jung stated that the person should integrate the unconscious parts into the conscious to become more whole.
In the previous story, it can be said that the flashing of light represents the irrational parts emerging in the presence of the beloved. For that reason, we have to stop and pull our horses (especially the wild one) to understand them before going further. Otherwise, it is easy to bullshit ourselves.
Wait… But, where is the sex in eros?
It is important to understand that the main point about eros is not sex. Sex is actually a byproduct of eros, not the other way around. Sex is not a requirement for eros. On the surface, there is a love for the bodies, but its real direction is towards the divine qualities.
Therefore, We should not use the person as a means for our desire. We should use desire as a means for self-transcendence. That way eros and self-transcendence are intertwined together.
So let me ask you: are you letting your wild horse run whatever he wants? Are you doing things without understanding why you do them? Are you just following your sexual desire? Or are you using the desire to motivate you to be a better version of yourself?