Usually, when someone says sorry that person is feeling bad about what he has done. He wants to correct the mistakes that he or she did. Also, they want to share their feelings, they feel sorry.
Well, the problem is when one apologizes, but it stays just on words. One side apologizes, the other accepts because maybe they pity and feel bad about the other person and everybody moves on. Then the apologizer does the same mistake again, the forgiver forgives again, and so on.
If we take the role of the apologizer, sometimes we know that we can say sorry and move on with the problem because the other side will just say: No problem. So we are apologizing without really meaning it. Again nothing is changed, and it stays only on the words.
The whole point of words is to enact them.
We don’t want that the mistakes continue. As I see it, the key is to find the real problem and to set clear borders. It is to bring about a change on both sides and in the relationship as a whole. Often solving one specific problem is not enough. What needs to happen is a systematic change.
And that is not easy. It takes a lot of self-knowledge and transparency to do that. It takes a lot of effort to take a deep dive into the problem. To understand what each of us could have done to make this situation better.
It is easy to get into a spot where the apologizer feels inferior and forgiver superior. And we want to transcend that. What guarantees us that the forgiver didn’t do something wrong also.
Although it is alright to be transparent and to say how you feel by saying sorry most of the time it seems like that is not enough. By putting the real problem under the rug we are only postponing it for the future when it comes in the form of a big explosion.
So, take your time and ask questions. Don’t accept the apology if you are not ready to do that. Don’t apologize if you didn’t do anything wrong. Words have a powerful meaning and that can only be brought to life if you take the responsibility for others and yourself.