Should I enter a relationship with that person? Should I take this job?
But, wait, what about other possibilities? I have all of these possibilities. How can I choose? What to choose? Aaah, I’m stuck.
Why do I always end up having the same boring job? How do I always end up in these horrible relationships? How can I get outside of this circle? How can I bear again the failings?
It seems like I always end up in the same place no matter what I try. It seems I always fail to change the situation and I cannot bring myself to succeed.
And, exactly that problem is what I want to explore in this article.
While I was watching this podcast of Jordan Peterson I stumbled into the professor of cognitive science John Varvaeke. He mentions there that he has a series called Awakening from the meaning crisis. And upon further watching, I was enamored with it. It is such a gem of knowledge and quality that I often recommend it to all of my friends. So this post will share the main ideas from lecture 17.
We often connect that idea of stuckness with failing. Which makes sense. It gives us great discomfort if we go down in the hierarchy. And the more we go down the hierarchy the worse our mental state can become. So we want to be careful not to fail big too much.
If you are without a job you can feel worse. If you were a manager and you are downgraded, you will probably not feel happier, you’ll probably feel disappointed. If you were surrounded by a lot of people before and now you are alone, you can feel lonely.
Then it’s no wonder that the fear of failing can keep us holding the exact same state we want to overcome.
But what if sometimes the main conflict or the anxiety is not about failing. What if we are stuck not only about failing but also about success. The weight of success can be overwhelming so much that we put ourselves in the position to fail.
Should a initiate a move towards a romantic relationship with that person?
If I get a rejection, I’ll be disappointed for a short period of time, but afterward, I’ll continue to follow my goals and expectations as before. Nothing much changed.
But what if they accept me? What then? How should I move then? How should I set my goals then?
And who will I become? And what I will lose? How can I go back?
I would like to see how it would be, but I just cannot bring myself to do it. To make this transition. And I don’t know how?
Professor Varvaeke explains the theme of being stuck and how this mental state affects us nowadays. Many people are going to the therapist just because of that reason, although everything is fine in their lives. They cannot move further to another world. It’s unthinkable for them.
As he continues to explain, unthinkable doesn’t mean we cannot make thoughts about a certain matter. It’s about not bringing ourselves to live in that world. A parent can think about throwing a child from their home, but they cannot bring themselves to do that. It’s unthinkable for them.
Many times we face those situations where we just cannot find a way to go further. We don’t know what we will miss if we stay where we are. And we don’t know what we lose if we go to another state.
So what is the solution? How can we be unstuck?
As Professor Varvaeke explains, what does a couple do if they are not sure if they should get a child?
They get a dog, they give him toys, and they take care and play with him what can look like playing with a child.
Should you enter a romantic relationship with that person?
Travel with them. It’s kinda like a relationship.
Professor Varvaeke furthermore explains how we should introduce play to find that perfect balance between the other world and the world we are currently in.
What they are trying to find is the right balance between the different worlds so that they can bleed together. So you can see (be) in the wanted world, but you can still go back.
By notion “play” he does not mean an action that is just for fun. It is a tool that can introduce us to that bleed zone and can give us also an insight into our problem.
Because, well, maybe the problem is not about failing, maybe it’s about succeeding.