As with any change, the beginning is always the most difficult, especially when we think we are an exception to certain events. When trauma hits us we no longer know what’s going on, who’s right and who’s wrong and we’re not sure which step to take next. In that moment we need to change our deepest attitudes and discard the current version of ourselves.
The hardest thing we have to do is put hope in waiting. After a while we have to accept the situation and move on because we cannot change what is not under our control, and at least we can change the way we will deal with such situation. Below I provide a couple of processes and methods that have helped me or I think would certainly have helped me had I used them.
COLLECTING INFORMATION
Fear comes primarily from ignorance and lack of information. Over time, it is necessary to gather information and thus achieve a certain self-confidence. But in today’s technological world we need to be careful of certain information and we need to trust the opinions of experts we are surrounded by. Then we can rely on what is written on the Internet, but with a certain amount of skepticism.
The focus should be on consultations with nurses, doctors, and people who have gone through such an experience and associations that deal with people who have a similar experience.
Personally, I would say that the first month was the hardest for me, but over time I adopted new habits and certain behaviors became natural to me. I gathered new knowledge, and the fear and uncertainty slowly disappeared.
HOPE
The German philosopher Nietzsche said:
He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.
We must never give up hope. I often thought that this was just one educational period of my life (which it was) and I found further meaning in it. The frequent question I asked myself was, “Why did the higher power determine such a path for us? For people in hospital.” And the best answer I found was that this path was determined for us because we are the people who can endure it..
When people ask me if I wish this experience hadn’t happened to me, the answer is always the same:
I can’t imagine myself without that experience because it gave me something priceless. It made me the person I am now. That experience I carry is now a treasure I can share with others. Rarely can any further situation be measured with this experienced trauma. Everything after that becomes easier to bear and it is much easier to discard unimportant things because I see what is important now.
ADAPTATION AND HABITS
Start with the smallest things that you can adjust, and fix. When asked, “What is the least I can do to make this horrible situation less painful?” I would recommend three things:
WRITING A DIARY
While someone would ask, why I would write of this terrible situation, writing has more good consequences.
- We throw out irrelevant thoughts. Sometimes we don’t need to strive at all to make what we write understandable and beautifully written. Sometimes we just have to release thoughts and throw them down on paper.
- After a couple of years when we look back at what we have written we will see how in every sentence we can find instructive material that we did not know about ourselves or we forgot. I wrote a diary during treatment and every time I read it I always notice something new about myself.
MEDITATION
It is important to dedicate some time to yourself, to look inside yourself, to observe emotions and thoughts, to accept what is happening, and to arrange the newly created information. Some of the answers we seek can only be found within us after we move away from the crowd and noise.
SET AND WRITE DOWN GOALS
Make a flexible plan that we will adapt to our needs and thus create a sense of constant progress. Write down which changes are needed to make the situation less painful and introduce them to some kind of calendar. Such schedule should represent the order of the priorities we are able to do.
TRANSPARENCY
It is okay to feel sad, disappointed and lost in such a situation. It’s okay to talk about it and ask for help. I find it very helpful if we are open about such an experience with all family members because **we are never alone.**I believe it is not good if we hide information that person needs to know because that can cause more long term suffering then telling them something that can be uncomfortable in the moment.
Three reason to be transparent:
- Everything we keep accumulates in us and we feel more and more the heaviness and pain.
- As painful as some information may be, it can benefit that person long term.
- There is a possibility that the person we care about begins to feel distrustful of us when he finds out the truth, and it is only a matter of time before he finds out.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
Take care of yourself so you can take care of others. While we should dedicate ourselves completely to the person who is ill, it is essential that we maintain our health so that we can take care of others and stand firmly on our feet. Often people in traumatic situations approach alcohol or cigarettes to ease their suffering. This gives us short-term pleasure, but in the long run we harm ourselves and others.
In any case, I suggest an professional psychological opinion if we have a feeling that over a long period of time we are completely losing control, hope and meaning, and that we do not know how to get out of the current situation.
EMPATHY
Don’t take things personally and try to understand another person. Behind these emotions lies a lost person. If someone is angry at us or pushes us away that doesn’t mean they don’t love us. We often create the wrong perspective and assumptions in our heads about what other people think of us. It is normal if a sick person is looking for some time for themselves.
Sometimes it’s good to ask questions:
- Are our thoughts showing us the right reality?
- Are our emotions showing us the right path or are they holding us back?
- What other perspectives are possible through which we can look at a particular event?
I understand that not all of what I have written will suit someone, and thus I provided what suited me. With this, I wanted to show a different perspective and ideas that everyone can adapt to their personal lifestyle and answer for themselves the questions they have.